Now, Louise, before we begin recording,
perhaps we could just have a little chat.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Louise, do you think that perhaps you're being
just a little demanding in your requirements?
Because we did have very high hopes for you and Paul,
and I seem to remember him saying that he was really quite smitten.
I don't think my requirements were that demanding.
That of course is entirely your opinion,
but we feel that he did fulfill all your specifications.
So, tell me,
what is it that we can supply this time
that we didn't supply last time?
What am I looking for that's different from last time?
Let me see.
Oh. I know.
I'd like a boyfriend that's not gay.
* Twice upon a time
* The princess kissed the prince
* And missed the point
I think you must have made some kind of mistake.
Paul Bradbury is not gay.
Well, maybe he isn't, but I know for a fact
that the man he dumped me for is.
* Everything is
crazy-strange
* And very real
* Close your eyes
* Make up your mind
* And take your time
* I'll always be there
* Maybe Mr. Right
* Is hidden, undiscovered
* Pressed for time
* I'll bet he's coming out tonight
* He's all right
* There's up and there's down
* And there's no way around
* What he's hiding
* Breaking the rules
* Is amazingly cool
* You're invited
* Everything is
crazy-strange
* And very real
* Close your eyes
* Make up your mind
* And take your time
* I'll always be there
* Everything is
* Everything
* Everything is
* Everything
* Everything is
* Everything
* Everything is
* Everything
* Everything is
* Everything
* Everything is
* Everything
You're old enough to know better.
Anytime you want to use your parenting skills, it's fine by me.
* One more time
We've all heard about women this has happened to, haven't we?
And if we're honest,
we think it's a bit of a joke.
I mean, you'd know, wouldn't you?
But I didn't,
and I'm used to being around gay people.
I've learnt my lesson.
I'd never introduce my man to my gay friends again.
But I don't mind introducing you to my friends--
Well, at least I thought that they were my friends.
This is my Alex, my best friend.
He wanted to be an actor.
He'd been with Harry for a year.
In fact, it was their anniversary.
Harry was all right,
but he could be a bit... smarmy.
Just kept him happy by buying him things.
And here's Tom.
Tom was about to have a major exhibition,
but he was more concerned about keeping Lars happy.
Lars is very good looking, but he knew it.
You know the type.
He'd got expensive tastes,
but it was always someone else
who picked up the bill.
And William--
William had a tough time over the last few years,
but he was coming out the other side,
and he'd just met Lawrence.
Lawrence is an actor,
so you can imagine what a handful he was.
You'd recognize him.
He was in that doctors thing.
I thought I was the one out of all my friends
who had got it sorted.
So let me tell you what happened to me one day last summer.
I was going on my first proper date with Paul.
I thought he was perfect.
* It's over
Let's go. Let me see 6,
let me see 5, let me see 4.
3. Where's 2? Where's 1?
Let's flip, baby! Let's go!
3, 2, 1.
Get up! Go! Move, move, move!
Let me see that! Let me see that!
Move the feet, quick! Quick! Quick!
Ready to do it again? Let's go!
All right. Fly jumps. You can do it.
Push me up, pull me down.
To the 5, to the 4, to the 3.
Stay with me. 2.
1. Good man.
That's what I'm talking about.
Good to see. Right? Good man.
(cell phone ringing)
Hi, Louise.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I'm stuck in traffic.
I- it's not moving.
I reckon I'm gonna have to turn around and go back.
I was really looking forward to fitting your kitchen.
Yeah, listen, the battery on my phone's running low.
I'll give you a call next--
Hello?
Thought you were fixing Louise's washing machine.
Still waiting for a part.
Have another one.
I thought you might have had enough.
You know me. I've never had enough.
Better make sure I don't.
Is that a threat?
Take it any way you want.
I'll take it as a threat, then.
I'll get my stuff and I'll be out of here.
It's not a threat. I'm really sorry. I've just had a hard day.
I'm going now.
Luv!
Tom sees the good in people.
Sees the good in people?
What he sees is a good bit of ass
that he wouldn't stand a chance with
if he didn't have a Gucci store card.
Anyway, getting back to me.
Harry bought me the original artwork
for the 1977 Dalek annual.
It's like the Bible of Doctor Who fans.
All right?
Fine. I can't stop. I've got a meeting.
I wasn't trying to hold you up.
That's all right, now, isn't it?
Isn't that that Greek doctor from Emergency Accident?
He's only a nurse.
How do you know him? Have you... You know?
As if!
He went out with one of my exes.
He's been around forever. I knew him when he was on the dole.
Sorry. Got held up in the edit.
Mwah. Mwah.
How'd the audition go? Don't want to talk about it.
What's the matter with you?
Lawrence Wright's upstairs.
Very Greek name, isn't it?
There are hardly any roles for Greeks as it is,
so why should he get the part above a real one?
Why are you bothered? You're not Greek.
I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered at all.
You write to point of view?
Someone has to stand up for Greek actors.
Do you want me to beat him up for you?
Yes, please. How are you, darling?
She's all right. Come on. We're going to be late.
Hello, how are you?
(friendly chatter)
You don't phone, you don't write.
I've been frantic. Give me a break.
Visiting my mother.
Which we're late for.
Then we get a nice meal.
Just my luck. Our anniversary's on the same day
as his bloody mother's birthday. Congratulations.
We must arrange a Sunday lunch. Bring George.
Don't mention George. Got 3 days' peace.
See you later.
See you. Bye.
Bye-bye, baby. Bye, darling.
Yeah, can you stop off on your way and get time out?
Oh, will you?
* Dolce and Gabbana
* I cannot even say it
* I'll tell you right now it's on my wish list
* Whoa-oh
* You're gonna pay for it
* So you better get rich
* I'm sick of being High Street like everybody I meet
* Ultimately trendy
* Boys wearing girls' shoes
* Imagine
* Whoa-oh
* A fashion statement
* But you do look gay in the pink shirt
* Please, will you buy this for me?
* I'm ritzy
Is it only a year?
Seems so much longer.
I bumped into William earlier. He sends his love.
Oh, William.
They were at Westminster together, you know.
Yes, I know.
(chuckles faintly)
No one guessed until only a few years ago.
Even Harry.
He played rugby for the county.
Mmm. Probably the physical contact
with all those sweaty men that he liked.
Hmm.
When I heard that he'd come out,
I had hoped that William and...
But no.
William found this for me last year.
We think it's a young Thomas Huxley.
Huxley. Biologist.
I'm seeing Tom tomorrow.
Oh, Tom!
So talented.
There was an article on his new exhibition.
I had hoped that Harry and he were...
Well, they spent so much time at university together.
But as usual, a mother's wishes count for nothing.
Which university did you go...?
Ohh.
Yes, of course. We've had this conversation, haven't we?
Tom's taken up with a mad hooker
who's fleecing him for all he's got.
Well, that's not--
That's not strictly true, is it?
Harry tells me you've been doing very well in your job...
as a waiter.
It's not just being a waiter.
It's also helping to prepare the food.
And, anyway, it's only until the acting takes off.
Oh, yes, of course. You want to be an actor, don't you?
Harry tells me that you may be an extra in some soap opera.
(chuckles)
It's nice that Harry keeps you so well-informed.
* I've been thinking of
* All the words I'd like to say
* And I can't believe
* How I feel today
* When the lights go out
* When they shut you down
* You will know that I'm still the same
At last!
I want to have a look around.
Rugby!
Why did you buy this?
I won it.
My-- my team won it, yeah.
Is there any chance of a drink?
No worry. I'll wash the glass afterwards
so there's no DNA evidence that I was ever here.
Shut up. Come here.
* I've been thinking of
* All the words I tried to say
* And I can't believe how I feel today
* When the lights go out
* When they shut you down
* You will know that I'm still the same
Aaahhhh!
(screaming continues)
(gasping)
What do you say, Georgina?
Sorry I frightened you.
I should have left a note to say we'd be back early.
Yeah.
Daddy doesn't let me meet any of his boyfriends.
You amaze me.
We usually keep her locked in the attic.
Shouldn't you be going?
Mm.
It's been lovely meeting you.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
Uh... What are you doing tonight?
I want to spend some time with George.
But I'm free on Wednesday.
Come and see the shells I found.
See you.
Yeah, see you.
And... Action.
And in here...
What do you think?
Good God.
What have you done?
Well, we've...
Done exactly what we thought you'd like.
This is... No.
Well, I don't think...
God, I hate it! I absolutely... Oh, God!
Sorry.
(telephone ringing)
Tell me again, why am I doing this?
The money.
Oh, yes.
The hotel's fucked up and let half our rooms go.
Is there a run on rooms in Northampton?
The weather forecast says it's going to be...
Shit for the week,
so we may have to scale the garden down.
Good.
And the gorgeous Charlie's girlfriend's dumped him again,
so we're expecting trouble.
Tom rang. Can you meet him in the gallery?
He said, or at home.
And lastly... I'm pregnant.
You're fired.
Any idea who the father is?
I've narrowed it down to the fleet auxiliary,
but I've convinced John it's his.
I suppose we have to hug.
It's expected.
Congratulations. Give John my best.
You don't do gay right.
No, it's just I don't do those.
By now, my other gay friends
would be squeezing the life out of me
and screaming about taking me shopping for maternity clothes.
Maybe it's just expected of you
because you are posh and went to private school.
Well, that's it. I'm not gay at all!
It all fits.
I don't like musicals, rows in the street, cocaine.
Well done.
Means I've got to get another assistant.
I'm so glad I didn't get the job.
If you go on a soap opera, you can get typecast,
and that's so not where I want to be at this point in my career.
It's a fact that all the good jobs
go to the extras from the top handful of agencies.
Surprise, surprise, Lawrence Wright was taken on by one of them.
He must have slept with one of the bookers,
'cause he ain't that good.
I know I've got talent and that I'm going to make it.
I think they'll be impressed by the CV.
I know it doesn't show that many roles,
but they'll see from the amount of classes and workshops I've attended
that I have a real dedication.
Alex, listen, I'll have to talk to you later, babe.
Thank you.
Darling, there you are.
Will you stop disappearing like this!
Now, come on.
(power drill whirrs)
How long have you been there? Not long.
What do you think?
I think they're shit.
But as long as people are stupid enough to pay for them,
it's all good with me.
My work represents a positive affirmation
of what it is to be gay in the 21st century.
To me, gayness isn't just about sex,
it's about everything.
I patronize gay restaurants and taxi firms,
and, in a way, I'm developing a totally new gay art.
I wish she would just shut up!
I think it's interesting.
No, you don't! You think it's bollocks!
Shh!
The lines and dots that make up the image
are in actual fact not made up of just one color,
but all the colors of the rainbow--
the gay rainbow.
It's like pointillism, only gay.
* Hey, you're talking
* Blah blah blah
* Blah blah
So, is Harry coming?
Him and Alex went to Brighton for the weekend.
* Hey, you're talking, blah blah blah
So, how much would something like that go for, then?
150 grand.
What?!
Yeah, I know!
I thought that was a fake.
Uh, no, believe me, I have earned it.
So you're not really into him, then.
It's not just the money. He's all right.
I look really bad now, don't I?
Don't mind me. I'm not judging.
I'm off.
Where you going this time?
I told you.
I know he's seeing other people,
but when I confront him about it, he denies it and says
if that's what I believe, I should throw him out.
Maybe you should,
if it's making you unhappy.
No. He knows I never would.
That's why he's messing you around.
He hasn't got any boundaries. He's not a child.
Don't treat him like one, then.
I don't! You do.
He lives rent-free. You buy his clothes.
You give him money, pocket money.
You treat him like a child.
He's not the first, is he?
You really have to stop being ashamed of being gay.
(scoffs)
You're just buying into that straight-dominated way of looking at gay life.
If Lars were a woman, you wouldn't think there was anything strange
about her being supported by a male partner, would you?
And that's all I'm doing.
I'm helping Lars out until he gets his singing career off the ground.
Singing? I thought it was modeling.
Well, that didn't work out.
There's nothing you could do for him, is there?
Wonderful. That's right.
Yep. Yep.
Okay.
That sounds perfect. Thank you.
Alex, please hurry. We don't have time.
Come on, darling.
Excellent.
Actually, I'm going to call you back. Thank you. Okay. Thanks.
Alex, can you just do what I tell you, please?
I think there's something wrong.
I don't pay you to think. These are the wrong ones.
What are you talking about?
These are the returns from Samuelson's.
They may have tasted all right,
but they've been out for God knows how long.
I mean, crawling with E. Coli and stuff. Lethal.
Older people or children could have died.
I've never seen someone look so contrite.
She was in floods. She could have gone to prison.
Trouble is, she doesn't really pay attention.
It's only a hobby hubby organized for her
to keep her occupied while he's doing corporate takeovers.
And her menu is so old-fashioned.
It's like something served halftime at the Battle of Hastings.
I told her about my cinnamon twirls,
and we're going to try them out next week.
You're a real hero. All I do is make crap telly.
Do something about it, then.
What do you want to do?
Seriously.
What I want to do is travel around Asia.
I can't. I've got career responsibilities.
More importantly, in half an hour, the cabby gets here.
What shall we do with the time?
It's Thursday.
(chuckles)
That's right.
What if Matron were to find us?
I've been on bedpans all morning,
so I'm entitled.
It's in my equity agreement.
(both laughing)
Sorry.
(knocking on door)
Yes? What do you want, you beastly little peeping tom?
They need you in set in 5 minutes.
My public are calling for me.
I don't suppose you're free later.
Got a parents' meeting.
What time does it finish?
8:.00, but then I've got to be at home.
She keeps waking up during the night lately.
Mum's getting too old to have her sleep disturbed.
I could always come to you, now that she's met me.
I'm not sure, Lawrence.
Hey, look, why don't we have a weekend away?
Georgie's going to see some friends.
We'd have 2 whole nights. What do you reckon?
Okay.
See you later. Break a leg and... Whatever it is you do.
Ciao.
Are you ready, gents?
Action. (cat meows)
Oh, Maggie, that's looking really beautiful.
(Scottish accents) Oh, yes.
It's really, really beautiful.
Jim and Jill will really, really love it.
Right. Let's get that lovely cup of tea we've been promising ourselves,
then we'll see what the gorgeous Charlie's been up to all morning.
Cut.
(Scottish accent) That looks really, really shit.
(cat yowls)
(making choking sounds)
Georgie.
Don't you think you're being a little harsh on this doll.
All she did was say hello to this doll's boyfriend.
(dramatic voice) She must die!
(making choking sounds)
And I'd have expected a bit more to have been done in here.
Remind me again when Jim and Jill are coming back.
Sunday morning.
I think I'd better have a word with the gorgeous Charlie.
You're being a bit of a slow coach today, Charlie.
We've only got until Sunday, you know.
(weeping audibly)
And cut.
I loved her!
(weeping audibly)
By "period," they probably thought they were getting
Victorian Rustic or Edwardian Country House,
not fucking Stalingrad, 1943!
Yeah, well, what are we gonna do?
Let's go to the pub.
* You're gonna make my day
* Hey
* Na-na na-na-na
* Hey
* Na-na na-na-na
* You're gonna make my day
* Row, row, row your boat
* Gently down... On me
* Merrily, merrily, merrily
* You make my life complete
* Everybody wants to touch
* Your fleece that's white as snow
* Everywhere you lead me, babe
* I'm sure that I will go
* Pop goes the weasel
* Hey
Lars! Charlie's dropped out of the show,
and Harry needs you up in Northampton.
This could be your big chance!
No, you put the phone down first.
You do it.
You're a big girl's blouse, you know that.
Speak to you tomorrow. Bye.
Can I come with you on Saturday?
Your Grandma's taking you to Hannah's party.
I thought you were looking forward to the sleepover.
Hanna's a poo-head.
She's your best friend.
She's still a poo-head.
I want to come with you to Brighton.
It'd be boring. We're going to all those antique shops.
Is Lawrence going with you?
He might.
He is. I heard you on the phone.
Why can't I come as well?
Because you wouldn't like it, all right?
Is he gonna live here with us?
Do I call him daddy now?
Harry, we're good to do this.
Will you just get yourself out there now, please?
Great, yeah.
I will not mind.
And, Emma, come on, love.
Uh... Sorry!
Okay, setup, ready to shoot this now.
And, um, thank you.
And action.
(drill whirrs) Can you turn that off, Lars?
Thanks.
Well, it's very sad that our Charlie's been taken ill,
but we're very lucky because the gorgeous Lars
has stepped into the breach.
Well, a boy's got to do what a boy's got to do.
(chuckles)
(distant power tool whirrs)
Yeah, maybe we should cut there.
Me and Louise were just talking about how stupid you are.
He's got a screw loose.
I guarantee he'll be nothing but trouble.
Don't worry, it's your funeral.
Ta-da! What do you think?
It's great, but on you it's gonna be like sticking a sequin on a rat's ass.
You look amazing! Thank you.
No, you look fab. She looks great.
She's got a date with that Paul tonight. She thinks he's the one.
Gorgeous! Thank you, Harry!
Anyway, you can tell Lars
that he's coming for dinner next week.
I've rung Tully and invited him.
I bumped into William. He's bringing his new beau.
I don't know. He's an actor, I think.
And if he hasn't dumped her by then, Louise is bringing Paul.
Better go.
Oh. My. God.
I've found something that even you would look good in.
Thanks.
Are they brother and sister?
I don't know. What do you think? I have no idea.
I just think it's very strange...
Well, Harry. Yeah.
I just want to say, I'm very grateful
for this opportunity.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
But don't get your hopes up,
'cause it could only be for the one show.
Still, I know people think I'm trouble,
and you probably could have found somebody else for the job
if you'd really tried.
If it did become a regular gig,
as I said, I'd be very grateful.
Yeah.
(cell phone rings)
(car horns honking)
Hey.
I can't just leave her like this.
Well, I don't know.
She hasn't got a fever.
Yes, darling?
It's your move.
You go back in there and tell Grandma to move for me.
Okay. Thank you.
Sorry.
No. No, of course I understand.
Maybe I could come to you.
We could meet for lunch on Tuesday.
Oh, a whole lunchtime! Are you sure you can manage that?
Twat!
Harry, hello.
Put your tongue back in.
There's a good boy.
I was just... Um...
Thinking about the...
Mmm! These are delicious, darling!
You'll want royalties now, won't you?
That just may be, but...
I can't make a peach smell like a banana, can i?
So...
Right.
Cheers.
I've always thought you were the only one of Tom's friends
who wasn't a fucking idiot.
I'll take that as a compliment.
I've seen you looking,
so don't even pretend you're not interested.
Things happen for a reason,
and this was obviously meant to be.
I'm feeling very positive.
Although you have to know how to deal with negativity,
have to know how to transform a negative into a positive.
For example, I didn't get the job on Londoners, which was a negative.
But on the positive, I took the power back and sent my photo and CV
off to the top actors' agencies.
But they've all written back
saying that they're not interested,
which, again, is a negative.
In other words, I didn't go to fucking RADA
or one of the other good drama schools,
so I don't have that stamp of approval.
Not at all interested in the classes I've attended,
or the commitment I've shown.
It's not all about diplomas and pieces of paper.
What about natural talent?
Van Gogh didn't go to art school,
and he ended up all right, didn't he?
Yeah, I suppose.
Have you seen my red pullover?
Dry cleaners. Shit.
Well? What?
How did it all go?
Oh, it was all right. Yeah.
Same as these things ever are, really.
Lars didn't disgrace himself?
Nope.
No, he was all right.
Are you going to take him on permanently?
No. No, it's just going to be a one-off.
You all right?
Yep.
I'm just knackered actually.
(cell phone rings)
Hello, babe.
Yeah, he's here.
It's Lars.
He says your phone's permanently turned off.
Sorry, Lars, he's asleep.
He looks really cute,
except for the dribble trailing out of his mouth.
Yeah, I'll tell him. All right.
* Doesn't it make you cross?
* And racing around
* Tracking her down
He says he's really looking forward to dinner,
and can't wait to meet Alex again.
Oh, fuck.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I know it's difficult for you.
I'm just saying that maybe if you involve me more.
Sorry, but you've got no idea what it's like being a parent.
I have to put her first.
Of course you do. Look, I'm not stupid.
It's been 3 months now, and in gay years,
we're approaching our golden wedding anniversary.
I don't get involved with people like this.
For me normally it's just a bit of fun.
It peaces out after a few weeks.
I... really like you, and...
Well, it's not easy.
This is... new.
Am I boring you?
What? What?
Sorry, no. Just give me a second.
* Wouldn't you like to give up?
* Just for one night put down the fight
* All smoke and mirrors
* Nobody's winning
You'll be safe. They won't ravish you or anything.
I know.
I'm not some kind of hick.
I give money to Amnesty International.
I read The Guardian, for God's sake.
And that bloke who cuts my hair,
I reckon he's gay, and I don't have a problem with that,
so you can't accuse me of being homophobic.
No one's accusing you of anything.
You just seem a little on edge about going.
Well, I'm not.
It's just... They're all gonna be gay.
What am I gonna talk about?
Just talk about normal stuff.
Normal stuff for blokes is football and women's tits.
Now do you see my problem?
You're just being silly.
Don't you have any friends who aren't gay?
Yeah, 'course I do.
There's... Emma, and...
Though I don't see much of her.
And there's Sharon.
Oh, no. Sharon's your sister. She doesn't count.
I don't know. I just get on with gay men. It's not a crime, is it?
No.
Are you calling me a fag-hag?
No.
I'm not a fag-hag!
Fag-hag! I hate that word!
Get off! Stop it!
Look at it through her eyes.
She's had to endure a very acrimonious divorce,
and then she loses her mother in a car crash.
I know you mean well,
but I can't have her getting to know
a succession of lovers just for them to disappear.
She needs stability.
A succession?
That's hardly the point, is it?
I just want to say-- Why don't you fuck off!
I'm sorry. I meant...
... Fuck off, I'm having a private conversation.
Sorry.
Any other day, just not today.
So, is this the way it's going to be?
Oh, please. I've already got one 9-year-old who likes tension.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I picked up a couple of stickers anyway.
Madonna.
Yeah.
Well, why don't I call everybody
and just, you know, put it off for a while?
Well, you've been through a lot recently, haven't you?
The meat will freeze,
and you can pick up the veg tomorrow.
All right.
I've not been trying to cancel it,
I just didn't think you'd feel up for it, that's all.
All right.
Well, I'll see you later.
I love you.
Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hmm.
I suppose it bears a superficial likeness to his style,
and it could be by one of his followers.
But if, as you hope, it's a preparatory drawing for a finished work,
I don't recognize it.
And without that connection to something known to be by him,
it doesn't stand a chance of being accepted.
And let's face it.
Things like that aren't found in charity shops, are they?
* One more night
* Maybe one still sighs
* On the rest of your life
* One husband or wife
* It's all over
* Now
* One more try
* Till you want to waken
* Curious but confined
* Reserved but resigned
* It's all over
* Now
Oh, Harry, will you please keep stirring?
It's not that complicated.
(knock at door)
You'll have to get that.
(clears throat)
Hello! Come in!
Mwah. You look fabulous.
Thank you. Paul, Harry. Harry, Paul. Hello.
He hasn't met gay people before, and he's fascinated.
No, I'm not. I-ignore her.
It's all right. Don't worry. I know what she's like.
Help yourselves to drinks. I'm just on stirring duty.
Oi.
See, I told you it would be different.
That's gay.
I have scented candles.
You're a woman. Straight man, never.
Hi! Come in. This is Lawrence.
Hello. Hi.
Hello again.
Oh, you two have met? We've met.
Yes. You used to go with one of my exes.
That French guy. What was his name?
You make him sound like one of your castoffs.
And it was Marcel.
Oh, that's right. How could I forget Marcel Proust?
It was Muriac, not Proust.
Yes, I know.
Then... Why did you say Proust?
It was a joke. Not very funny.
Marcel Proust, the author.
(chuckles)
Whatever.
Sherry?
Yes, please.
I was going to leave you to introduce yourselves.
I'm gonna... (whistles sharply)
Louise, um, this is Lawrence.
Paul.
Paul, Lawrence.
It's all right. Don't worry. I'm fine.
I... saw you a couple of weeks ago,
when I was with Alex.
Really?
Haven't seen you in ages. How are you?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm all right.
I suppose if I choked on something, you'd know what to do, wouldn't you?
Why?
Well, you're on that doctors thing, aren't you?
It's not real. It's television.
I think he knows that.
(sniffs softly)
Hello!
S-sorry. Hi.
Hello. Hi.
What?
Hi. Aren't you that doctor?
Nurse.
Lars. Lawrence.
(female vocalist vocalizing)
William, we're thinking of doing one of those shit daytime antique shows.
We're looking for experts. I use the term loosely.
But if it comes off, are you interested?
It's not going to be very glamorous, though.
You're going to be grubbing around at boot fairs
at 7 in the morning with fatties.
Where from? Corby. Sounds like heaven.
Red or white?
Have you not heard about this?
It's new gay wine. Where did you get it?
It's mail-order at the moment, but they do it by the glass at Balans.
They've developed these gay grapes
that are only pollinated by other male grapes.
Really? No!
(tittering)
No, I just shaved the labels off
and made these on my computer.
That's not funny. I told you.
Could I have the straight white, please?
Oh, loosen up, Tom. Come on.
Yeah, all right.
It'll be about 20 minutes, guys.
So, William, tell me,
how did you two lovebirds meet?
I sold him a table.
When I delivered it, I asked him out for a drink.
A retzzina, I suppose. "Zie-nuh"
Sorry? Retzzina.
Greek wine. Nurse Zorba, or whatever he's called.
Costa, and it's Retsina.
How's George?
Haven't seen her for ages.
She's a handful, but she's great.
She's a great kid, isn't she?
I wouldn't know.
Lars said he had a great time on House Swap.
Oh? What were you doing on it?
Bit of this, bit of that.
You know, general handyman.
How was I? You never did say.
Oh, fine.
Absolutely fine.
Has it been 20 minutes?
I can't wait.
(happy chatter)
'Kay, go on, luv. I'll go again.
This is very good.
(happy chatter continues)
* When will we know
* This is all
* When will we know
They want me to sign for another 2 years, but it's too long.
I wouldn't be able to do anything else,
and there's talk of a couple of films in the pipeline.
That's great.
How's your acting coming along?
I haven't seen you in anything.
You really must tell Tom and I next time you do something.
We'll come along and support you.
I'll make sure to do that.
Oh, and you must make sure to invite me and Harry
to your first gig at Carnegie Hall.
So, Lawrence, how did you two meet?
Still met when I bought a dining table from him.
Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.
And what a happy day that was.
That was the start of a brand-new experience for me.
I've never had an affair before. It's quite exciting.
Stolen afternoons, furtive meetings.
You're seeing someone else as well as William?
No. To quote someone, there is a third person in this relationship.
Don't be an asshole, Lawrence.
Listen to yourself.
You're jealous of a 9-year-old girl.
I'm not jealous, and I'm not an asshole.
Really.
I was reading a report the other day
that children brought up by gay parents--
Yeah, yeah, Tom.
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not a campaigner for gay parenting.
Georgie isn't, of course.
I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong.
All I'm trying to do is bringing her up in an environment
where she can feel secure,
and I'm doing that the best way I know how.
I'm fucking sorry if she gets in the way.
That is not what I said or meant!
There's very little point in carrying on with this.
And there's a double meaning in that.
You can caricature me as being a spiteful, jealous queen, if you like,
but you cannot keep her in a bubble.
She will get hurt again. She will meet people who she will get close to,
and they will go away, but that's life.
You cannot control everything, William.
I'll see myself out.
* Don't fall
* But
* You fall
* You fall into my arms